It was finally the end of church when I got up determined to meet the pastor, but every step that I took made me more nervous. What if she didn’t like me? What if she thought I was just a child, what if she thought that I was weird? Before I could even get face to face with the pastor I got cold feet and backed out.
At home I did an hour worth of research on Bianca to see what I was getting into. Turns out there was nothing. No Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, or Beebo. I could not find anything that would lead me to believe that I have a chance with this woman. Even when I looked up the church’s website, there was nothing indicating that she was married or ever had been, which was a good thing. I ended my search watching videos of her preaching, noting the outfits that she wore as well as the different hairstyles she used and became once again, mesmerized.
I could not get the women out of my head. I had to see her, I had to talk to her somehow.
Bible study was on Wednesday at 7:00pm and I was there with my mother’s boyfriend’s son hoping not to be seen with the boy in the assumption that I might be his mother.
“Excuse me…” said a voice to my left and my heart instantly dropped. It was Bianca wearing a black woman’s suit with a white top underneath. Her dreads hanged loosely down her back as she leaned into our pew. “Our sessions get a bit intense here but we do have a children’s church for your son,” she stated in that deep breathy voice of hers that still had enough feminine vibrations that you could still tell that it was a woman without looking.
When she spoke to me I practically jumped out of my skin. This was the last thing I wanted, her to assume about me, but before I could correct her I was up on my feet and grabbed the boy’s shoulders.
“Where?” I asked in a high pitched voice.
“Just out of the sanctuary into the rooms that says children’s church. I could show you if you want me to,” she suggested but I quickly shook my head, thanked her, and quickly ushered the boy out of the sanctuary.
I’d fucked up, not only did she think that I have a kid but also that I am was a weirdo! I wanted to cry out my frustration but I had a ten-year-old who needed to go to bible study. That is when I began to angry. It is biologically impossible for me to have a ten-year-old son if I was only nineteen. Yes, I do have the body of a 24-year-old, me standing about 5’10, an hour glass figure which I usually kept hidden under baggy clothes, and an ass that would make Jennifer Lopez’s look like soiled pancakes, but still!
Once I got the boy to children’s church I quickly went back into the main sanctuary and took a seat in the very back. The soloist singer was singing, “blessed are we” while my eyes followed the pastor’s movements for she sat eight pews ahead of me and was clapping.
My mind wandered again into sin and before I knew it the pastor was up talking about declining children. Her eyes roamed around the room and would briefly settle on mine but then she would move back. This means that she noticed me! Because you’re an idiot, my mind commented as I thought back at our first encounter. I sighed, depressed as my phone began to ring. I quickly grabbed and left in a panic.
Outside once again, it was my mother to assure I was still at bible study because she wanted to join after she’d got her nails done. Angrily I told her yes and hung up on her mid-sentence as I walked back in the sanctuary. When I got back the pastor looked at me and I mouthed “I’m sorry” and quickly sat back down. She just smiled and continued on with her sermon as my desire to know her grew and grew.